Pastor Wade Martin
September 12, 2006 is a day I will never forget. In the early morning hours I woke up very dizzy and could not walk without falling over. I crawled down the stairs, so I would not wake up Susan, hoping whatever was happening would soon pass. I thought I had the flu as I started vomiting. The room kept spinning and I could not stand up.
After about an hour I realized I better get some help, so I called upstairs to wake up Susan. She came downstairs to where I was on the floor. After a few minutes Susan called 911 and I went on my very first ambulance ride. As it turns out I had suffered an ischemic cerebellar stroke.
As I look back on the first couple of days following my stroke I remember thinking my future, as I had it planned out, was now uncertain. And I emphasize “as I had it planned.” But through the power of the Holy Spirit I was quickly reminded that God loved me and had a purpose and plan for my life. But for me to fully experience and appreciate that plan I had to more fully surrender my life to him. I quickly learned that surrender is not a one-time event; surrender is something we need to do daily. It is so easy to place our trust somewhere else if we do not intentionally surrender our lives daily to God.
The first few hours following my stroke the doctors did not know what was wrong because I did not have the normal symptoms we associate with a stroke, weakness and slurred speech.
So not knowing what was wrong was somewhat un-nerving for a while. But with all the tests the doctors said they had scheduled for me I was confident they would get it all figured out.
Of course I wanted to know what was going on immediately and what could be done to correct the situation, and I wanted to know when I could return to my work. And trying to get answers to these questions was difficult, not because the medical staff was ignoring me, but because they just did not have any answers to give me yet. But I have to say even for me, who tends to be a person who likes to be on top of things and in control, I never really felt anxious or overly concerned during this time. I was blessed because I sensed the presence of God through this time of uncertainty, and felt that somehow everything was going to be just fine, I really was at peace.
I knew many people were praying for me, as I was visited by colleagues who offered prayers and indicated their congregations were praying for me. And I knew the congregation I was serving at the time was praying for me as well. My whole experience was being lifted up in ceaseless prayer.
Then finally after an MRI on day two the doctors did discover that a shower of clots had damaged the part of my brain that controls my balance. But again I was blessed because that part of my brain also controls speech and fine motor skills, which remained unaffected. So finally we had an answer and now they needed to determine where the shower of clots had come from.
During my time in the hospital I was not asking God, “why me,” but I did find myself praying, “God you called me into the pastoral ministry, what am I going to do if I cannot control my balance, how can I be effective in ministry if my head is always spinning?”
Then on the third day (there is something biblically satisfying about the “third day”) of my stay in the hospital, in between various tests, I was resting and it occurred to me that perhaps God was humbling me, calling upon me to depend on him and not on myself or the medical staff, so that he alone would receive the glory with the outcome, no matter what the outcome was going to be. The Lord tells us “to be anxious for nothing” (Phil 4:6), but this has always been a hard lesson for me to learn.
You see the dangers of depending on my own strength and abilities were very real, and they still are, so I continue to be reminded of God’s Word in Isaiah the 48th chapter: “For my own sake, I do it, for why should my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another.” (48:11)
Now I do not believe for a minute God caused my stroke, but I do believe God used my stroke to teach me to be humble and more reliant on him. He used this stroke to remind me who is really in control, and who has the plan for my life. I now know in a profound way that I am only an instrument of God, my stroke and the couple of weeks of unbalance reminded me of this truth.
Well the medical staff never did figure out what caused the stroke or where the shower of clots came from because all my other tests indicated I was healthy. So as I left the hospital and began my recovery I knew I was going to be alright because I placed my complete trust in God, and as a result I really experienced a sense of peace; a peace I still enjoy today. And to this day my medical alert bracelet reminds me not to dwell on myself or my situation, but rather to dwell on whom I know the Lord to be, the Almighty God. In my weakness, in my unbalance, I was made strong by God’s grace. Now I was living in the abundance and joy God promises!
Pastor Wade Martin